Yesterday I had dinner with Michelle. I've got the biggest crush on her. She's foxy, she's interesting to talk to, and being with her makes me nervous and jittery in a way I haven't experienced for the longest time. That sounds silly but I can't think of a better way to put it right now.
I wanted to kiss her goodnight but I held back. Wasn't sure about the signals & all. Now I wish I had. I feel like such a nerd obsessing about things like this. In the movies men are all action and gusto; even in real life it doesn't seem like too many people worry about such things. I think I think too much. I want to talk less and fret less and try to act more.
Perhaps we'll go on a hike... perhaps we'll roll in the clovers... snap out of it you moony eyed fool!
Meanwhile work continues. I think I'm more dissatisfied every day. I've started explicitly turning down 'growth opportunities', i.e. I refuse to volunteer for anything unless I'm truly interested in it (which I'm usually not). This is not a productive team player attitude, but I feel like either a) people asking me if I 'want' to do something is a pure formality, in which case they might as well just tell me to do it or b) they are genuinely asking, in which case it's best to be honest and tell whoever that no, I'm not interested in taking on a bunch of extra responsibilities that will have me staying even more late days and have me learning a lot of stuff that frankly I just don't care about (e.g. how to set up environments on unix, how to run storyserver scripts, etc.)
Last night we talked about time a lot. Going back in time, going into the future, letting time pass by, not worrying about time. I would like to not worry about time. But it gets dark early this time of year. Like Modest Mouse says, "In this life that we call home / the years go fast and the days go so slow"