Look at the time! Will you look at the time!! WILL YOU LOOK AT THE TIME FOR CRISSAKES!!
I'm here so early because I have to coordinate work with this woman on the East Coast. Over there it's already 10:30. Stupid friggin time disparity. I don't see why we can't just have one time for everybody in the world. Like in one of Douglas Adams's books, there's a planet where it's always Saturday afternoon, except once in a while it's Sunday. And the weather is always sunny. That sounds so sweet right now. Um, except I as I recall, all the people on that planet were suicidal, so maybe it's not such a great idea.
This is going to be a long update. I guess I could break it into multiple updates. But what's the point, it's not like this is a syndicated column read by millions. Hey how come nobody ever wants to be an advice columnist when they grow up? Probably cos those evil twin hags Abby and... the other one have a lock on the biz. And Miss Manners, and Dan Savage. Advice columnists are lame. When I used to do Go to Hell Cornell my friend Linsey (who I haven't seen in forever, Linsey Wirt if you're out there give a shout out) wrote an advice column called Ask the Girl. It was definitely better than most such columns. The premise was that she could answer questions using her unique perspective (the perspective of a girl). Most of her advice involved shaving nipples, buying flowers and making pentagrams in your neighbor's lawn with a simple solution of soap and water.
I guess the Onion's advice columns ("ask a gutshot policeman", "ask a worker drone bee") are sort of funny, but the joke only extends so far as the headline. I think the time is right for a dynamic new advice columnist to take charge. Maybe I should start practicing. Anybody with questions, send em this way.