April 21st, 2011

hat

"liveblogging" my day

i like pretending like i'ma liveblog mah day. so grandiose. i always lose interest after one (1) entry though. i think technically, liveblogging requires a continual stream of bloggery

GOING TO WHOLE FOODS SOON

wifey tied a 500 lb albatross of a list around my neck and so i go. only things i'ma add

1) belgian beer
2) stroopwaffel
3) bath salts
4) chard + kale

i've decided this week izzy's diet will be all kale, all the time. i'ma force feed it to her. my childhood was pretty good all things considered but one area where it was really lacking was KALE. also chard.

i guess i have to pretend like i'm eating it too. or actually eat it

MORE LIVEBLOGZ AS ThE STORY DEVELOPS

NEXT UP: UNPACKING

(in NYC it hailed on me and i saw a life sized blue whale like in those stupid night at the museum movies that i have never seen but it was awesome, the whale. you can't buy one of those off the shelf. it's the size of multiple airstream rvs and it lives on tiny little krill! how does that make any sense. also, passover. paul bought me kosher for passover hot sauce which was a godsend both nights. wait this could be its own liveblog entry i'm wasting valuable sentences)

GETTING OFF THE COMPUTER.... GONNA TAKE A WIZ... NOW

next - pt. 2
hat

livebloggin' day pt. 2: the reckoning

for some reason pt. 2 is always the reckoning

my head is 75% simpsons quotes. like i just got back from shopping and what popped in my head is this scene where marge and lisa are back and marge goes "we're back!" and lisa goes "we got beets!"

why would i remember that?

checking out at whole foods i had that awkward moment where i'm sitting there watching the bagger bag my groceries, and i'm obviously doing nothing and could help but it would just get in her way. i always feel weird watching people do work for me. like when the washing machine repair guy came to our house i had to stand there frowning concernedly and acting like i was in some way involved in the repair process. eventually though i said 'call me if ya need me' and went into the other room to get on the internet. but it still bugged me that this man was toiling a mere room a way and i was gonna give him money at the end. it's my hang up, i'll deal with it

EXCITING NEW ADDITION TO THE DAY'S AGENDA: HAIRCUT

now that i'm a parent my hair has really gotten out of control. you can instantly tell me and izzy are related cos we both have absurdly huge poofy black hair.

back in the day i was paying as much as $65 to get my hair cut. !!! but then my hair stylist got pregnant and now i just go to the place down the block which charges something more reasonable (i think like $40). but man i miss the days when i got the vietnamese lady in the mission to shave it all for $10. (or when i did it myself, though it always looked like i did it myself cos of the back fade being all janky)

i think ideally your hairstylist should offer therapeutic ear in the same way a good bartender is supposed to listen to your problems and go 'wadda ya gonna do, mack? dames are one mystery you'll never solve' i've never had a bartender like that but in the movies bartenders seem to listen to their customers problems sympathetically while scrubbing the bar with a dirty rag

NEXT: UNPACKING THE GROCERIES

i got lots of chard, up to aliza how's she's gonna force feed it down me & izzy's throats

maybe i can unpack just the frozen stuff and leave the rest for our nanny?

is that the behavior of a cad or bounder?

MIGHT COULD GO FOR A RUN

MAYBE WILL TAKE A YOUTUBE VIDEO OF CHARD OR MY TOENAILS

ooh i also want to master folding a shirt. it always bugs me that i can't fold a shirt properly. i will perhaps spend the day mastering this technique (or not)


MIGHT COULD LOOK AT PORN

next - pt 3
hat

livebloggin' pt. 3: tired of livebloggin'

Bout to go for a run. Izz is screaming her damn head off. Think she's jetlagged. My 1/2 day of blissful solitude hasn't started yet... Liska's gonna take Izzy to Markie's after her nap, that's when the silence will kick in.

Maybe will later have a smoke & read my INFRASTRUCTURE coffee table book... it's hard to read a coffee table book cos it weight 50 lbs and doesn't fit easily into any bag... it's the size of a phonebook

We still get the damned phonebook. How do they make money? I guess people still use it

Internet is the new telephone. People in the Ozarks should have access, mandated by federal law... maybe they do

My bank called to straighten out some bill pay nonsense. Can I take a moment to plug my bank? It's the only large institution I love (as opposed to the f**** phone company, comcast, ticketmaster, pg&e, everything else). Only condition is direct deposit-- if you contract or whatevs may not work. But if you got a steady gig, you need to switch immediately. Excellent interest, they automatically refund all ATM fees so you can use any ATM anywhere, and best of all they care about having you as a customer. You call them and talk to the same person each time. Fuck BoA!! I hate them so much I wrote them a letter the day I switched, telling them how much I hate them and how happy I was to have them out of my life for good. If you stayin with a big bank you getting played.

Banks are the biggest source of evil in this world. No joke, I really believe that. Trace back drug money, insurgencies, arms trade, human trafficking, sooner or later you end up involved with big banks. That saying is true-- steal a thousand dollars go to jail, steal a billion dollars get feted by congress. Well that's not the exact saying, you know what I mean.

Anyway, my bank's an internet bank based in Taylor TX. I love em , highly recommend, get the 'reward checking' account. Link: City National Bank of Taylor TX . Tell em the pai brothers sent you


fig a: look at this pastrami/corned beed sandwich I got in Long Beach! i ate half and gave half to charity. i should clarify this was before pesach (in case God is reading this)

So yeah I think I might call it a day on the live bloggin cos it gets kind of tedious recounting the hither thither. Also I'm a lazy git. who knows though there might be a pt. 4. get out your tenterhooks and wait on them

the fuck is a tenterhook

i dunno i just like saying the fuck is *****

also always think of DFW talkin intellectual nonsense to a carny at the state fair, and the carny's muttered reply: "fukutalkinbout"

DFW, I miss you.

OFF TO RUN A BRISK 1 OR 3 MILES DEPENDING ON WHAT'S ON MY CRACKED ASS IPHONE



fig b: cracked ass iphone, w/ a face only mama could love



fig c: eagle coming out of a horse's butt. [not to scale]

next - pt 4

hat

livebloggin pt 4: mobloggin (as in mobile blogging not "more blogging" though that works too)

u know how the iPhone turns out 2 be secretly logging your exact location at all times? has anyone made an app that generates a yt movie that plots your movements on gmap using that secret file? might as well that way u could see my jogging route . beautiful day . I think typing is affecting my running time cos I just did a 25 min mile also I'm running in circles at tangents to each other also I'm in a potato sack

next - pt. 5
hat

livebloggin pt 5: beyond what anybody expected or desired

It occurs to me that perhaps liveblogging a day could be interesting if the level of detail went way beyond the norm-- to stream of consciousness level. I always wish you could record all 5 sensations for a minute and then replay them later.



My run took me along the nicely developing Mission Creek canal/river thingie. There's an empty brand new tennis court and houseboats and a beautiful green path all the way from 7th to the ballpark. True, mission creek (name of which I think I'm getting right, though maybe it's Mission Bay or something) is a sewage overflow spot, which means 4-5 times a year when the sewers overflow they dump excess waste into it. So it's also known as "shit creek." But the rest of the time it's nice

Andy's sister & her husband just bought a houseboat on the creek actually. Need to go visit them. They dispelled my fantasy of houseboat as a ready-to-jet sailboat and described it as more of a barge-- i.e. floating slab tied to the dock. But still! Houseboat!

Anyway as I ran these were the 5 senses experienced:

1) SIGHT - everything just described. I took some photos with my crap iphone camera, maybe will photostitch them later. Things the iphone needs--- auto-stabilization of shaky camera footage (like say that taken while jogging along a canal) -- much better resolution photos, like triple the megapixels-- automatic panorama mode like my canon has-- that's about it. SIGHT is too easy cos camera (static/video) more or less conveys the essence (though photos/videos fail to convey the scale of a place; and human vision is nicely 360 in a way even imax doesn't match)


a hole opened in the sky, like a tunnel to g_d

2) SMELL - freshly cut grass - which I thought everybody liked but then Angi said she hates it. Also the reek of human sweat wafting off me as I type this, man you know you smell bad when you can smell your own B.O.

3) TASTE - umm none to speak of just the taste of one's own mouth, and I had a pink lady earlier, no honeycrisps were there at whole foods, also got a cameo, that's new to me. where are the exotic apples? sell me one for too much $

4) TOUCH - it was a mild run so not too much heart pounding ness. the freshly cut grass had a particular feel under my feet; also the sensation of running shoes that either don't fit right or are worn out-- I'm pretty sure mine need to be replaced but how can you tell? at the shoe store they always tell me to lace them using some complicated behind the heel triple loop thing but come on, I'm not gonna do that! (by the way, FYI-- you're probably tying your shoes wrong)

5) HEARING - oh yeah, I listened to this great RA mix as I ran, highly recommend it -- RS.253 - Adam Marshall What does that mean though? You're probably not even going to bother checking it out. Well at the very least, subscribe via itunes to the podcast. I guess I wouldn't download something that the person didn't even bother describing. It's techno? But not pounding BOOM BOOM BOOM techno. Just good electronic music, I don't really know how to put it. How about this, listen to it while running or driving fast and if you don't enjoy it I'll personally apologize. [offer void if you are old or only into boring guitar music]

6) PROPRIOCEPTION - i think this is the sense of where your limbs are in space. mine were flailing in the general area of my body. I read about this ultramarathon runner who had perfect stride & perfect landing on his feet-- didn't pronate, didn't do the opposite. I suspect I am not cut out for ultramarathoning. It's a sickness not a sport

7) ESP - come off it what rubbish. though, if science proves me wrong, I'll be willing to apologize (or at least think contrite thoughts, which you can detect via iphone-esp app)

I came back from running but my promised solitude was shattered. Long boring story but anyway what can you do. Izzy just likes to be included in whatever I'm doing, which was fine when I took down the trash but not so much when I'm using power tools. [to be continued]


seen on the way back... good placement no?

next - pt. 6
hat

livebloggin pt 6: clothesline, water table, disparagement of chinese workmanship

Finally put up this clothesline that I'd been meaning to do for weeks.


you can barely see it, but it's there... start from the round circular thing upper left

It reminded me what an incompetent handy-man I am. So many basic questions:

1) why use woodscrews vs nails?
2) what makes a woodscrew different from a regular screw
3) how do I use my stupid drill?

It's a piece of crap Chinese knockoff (no doubt) of some other drill. I snapped off one drill bit trying to drill a guide hole for the woodscrew going into the wood on my patio. Drill bits aren't supposed to snap that easily are they?


look at the size of this thing! it weighs a ton and has the strength of a young girl


wtf do all these things even do? i have never used the big pointy oar looking things on the right. are they for torture? stirring soup?

Maybe I was using the wrong thing, I dunno. Anyway eventually got the thing attached but the wire tension isn't great. Why we even got a clothesline widget, when alls we needed was two nails and a wire? (though again, how do you maintain tension when a ton of clothes are hanging off it?)

Then poured water in the water table and the girls fought over a toy boat



video is the cheap way out of having to describe something. if nabokov had an iphone would he have bothered describing the motion of flies? man that guy could describe. "a little party of midges were continuously darning the air in one spot" is how he put it, and you can totally see it. i would've said "a bunch of flies were... flying in the air (SEE VIDEO)"

NEXT ON THE SCHEDULE (pronounced in that annoying jokey way "shed-u-ul"):
1. shower [or even bath; or even revolutionary bath!!]
2. music [or not; i hate dealing with music these days so much that i'd rather go without]
3. pix [yeah probably that]

BUT FIRST A JOKE
This grasshopper walks into a bar. Bartender sez 'hey I have a drink named after you!' Grasshopper sez "you have a drink named Steve?'

Ok you heard that, well how about this old saw:

These two Sikhs move to America. They make a bet on who can assimilate faster. "One year from now we'll meet back here, and whoever's the most American wins."

A year later, they meet up. First guy struts in confidently. "Yup, just drove here in my SUV... dropped off little Sanjay at LITTLE LEAGUE... later on gonna get a BIG MAC..."

Second guy goes "Fuck you towelhead!"

next - pt. 7
hat

livebloggin pt 7: day's end

dinner: izz refused to eat kale. i tried regular psychology, reverse psychology and double reverse psychology, but none of these worked. i ended up eating her kale and mine, while pretending it was a forbidden pleasure that she wasn't allowed to eat (like coffee). she is no fool

post-dinner: played the have a kid lottery, if you get my drift. (if you don't get my drift, you are an imbecile)

walgreens to pick up 18 baby products plus oil of olay foaming face wash for the missus. good thing i asked the lady working there: "is body wash the same thing as face wash?" no it is not. i guess i've been doing it wrong

the choices that remain on this lovely vacation day are as follows

1. WHICH BEER? - trappist rochefort 8 or 10



2. WHICH MOVIE? netflixes at home at the moment:
  • Fish Tank - heard this described as a british version of "precious," set in UK council estates (projects). lots of swears innit

  • Manufactured Landscapes - burtynsky doc recommended by dav. burtynsky is the photographer who does those massive photos... oh words fail. would nabokov have bothered, had he google image search?

  • Louis C.K. - Hilarious - newest comedy film from louis c.k. the guy who got famous for his hilarious rant on how "everything's amazing and nobody's happy':


3. TORPOR

once in a blue moon, i have a lucid dream where i'm at an awesome party. or else the streets are turned to ice and i'm sledding through city with old friends and imaginary ones. i think the odds are improved by eating pizza right before bed.