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silverback gorilla

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Specialized tools ranked by fun, utility and ease of use [27 May 2010|02:13pm]

Ratings guide....

Aspect of tool being rated Score of 1 means Score of 5 means Score of 10 means
FUN This tool is not fun at all. Even a child with a rich imagination and access to drugs could not make this fun.

example: tire pressure gauge

Although this tool isn't anything special, you can be 'zen' and get into it even though you're not into it.

example: vacuum

This tool is severely fun and you always look forward to using it. Sometimes you use it even though you don't really need to.

example: paper cutter

UTILITY If you entered a wormhole to another dimension that was exactly like the current one, except this tool did not exist, you most likely wouldn't notice or care.

example: salad shooter

This tool has its uses, but will never be part of a Swiss Army knife or any kind of 'emergency kit.'

example: hole puncher

This is the kind of tool that really makes you proud to be Homo Sapien. Fuck yeah! We have the best tools of any animals! Fuck beavers!

example: bottle opener

EASE OF USE This tool is impossible to use, thus bringing into question whether it can even be thought of as a 'tool' or is really more of an objet d'art.

example: joint roller

A tool that basically works, but has at least one annoying design flaw that, if you fixed it and sold improved versions, you could make a lot of money, or so it seems

example: lint brush

This tool is so well designed that you don't have to think about using it. It operates as an extension of your own body. You achieve cybernetic union with this device.

example: bottle opener


On to the actual ratings.....


ToolFunUtilityEase of useOverall scoreNotes
Portal gun101058.33Imaginary gun that shoots pairs of connected portable holes, i.e. portals. Jumping in one portal makes you fall out the other, so you can create tunnels in the space-time continuum that let you instantly travel from one spot to another.
Compressed air duster10598.00Makes awesome 'ssssst' sound. Why does the can get colder as you spray?
Bellows9487.00Lets you control both wind and fire. Operated via fun squeeze/release motion. Highly visible effect
Mortar and pestle7867.00Inherently satisfying to pulverize something into powder using blunt object.
Wine preserver (Rabbit)5876.67Preserves wine much better than a cork. Nice 'pop' sound when vacuum seal is opened.
Radial arm saw7756.33Frisson of danger, sweet smell of sawdust
Nosefrida4755.33This device is used to suck snot out of a baby's nose.
Letter opener (Presto)5565.33Much better than a regular letter opener, yet still completely unnecessary.
Bicycle hand pump2924.33Requires too much physical effort for too little effect. Reversible Schrader/Presta valve is confusing.
Letter opener (ordinary)1152.33Lame


Previously: Tool Reviews Pt. 1

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